i am a person that older men always have something to say to.

Berkeley, CA
So, lately Liz and I have been on this tour and in the course of going to all these different towns that Liz has been updating you all about I have been preoccupied by the musings of older men. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but really it seems like they always have these lessons to give me or things to shout at me or offers of marriage to propose to me.

The first interaction on tour that made me feel like I must be putting out some "vibe" that makes me seem open to having words of wisdom imparted upon me was in Prescott, AZ. We had a screening at the Catalyst infoshop there and it went really well--people talked, questions were asked and discussed. It was nice. Though there was an older man with long white hair and a big floppy hat that really had things he needed to say to everyone about manifesting reality. He really liked talking about that and channeling. But not only did he need to address the group with this information, he also felt it necessary to sit down with me in the kitchen to tell me about how I just needed to be positive in my thinking and affirm in my actions the happiness that I should always be experiencing in life. Now, I'm all for being positive and finding ways to make "lemonade out of lemons," but, I don't know why he had to talk to me for an hour about it. The way that he postured himself, always making eye contact and standing up for most of the conversation, and how he asserted his perspective as one that I really needed to consider to be a fully developed person made me feel small. I felt like he was trying to be some sooth sayer that I would remember as having changed my life after that interaction--in fact he told me that when he saw me unpacking the car that he felt he needed to give me some perspective. He saw that I was a "purposeful person" that just needed to hear how I could shift my reality and "be more open to happiness." Later on in the conversation he told me that being critical did no good and that one should just affirm the good that people, organizations, communities etc do, instead of critically analyzing what they need to work on. He used Wal-mart as an example and explained to me that they have heart. He explained, they employ people to be greeters that wouldn't otherwise have jobs and also let people camp in their parking lots. Plus, they gave aid first for Katrina victims. I listened quietly to all this and realized that there was no way that he was going to listen to what i had to say--he just wanted me to listen to him. it was frustrating but predictable, all i wanted to say was: i don't think that paying people a low wage because they can't get other jobs for shitty social stigmas/prejudices is selfless, or letting people camp in your parking lots when you don't keep them safe from rapes and assualts happening in the parking lots is selfless, and giving a small amount of aide when you are the richest family in the world doesn't excuse or mediate the harmful and indsidious policies against your workers. But, you know how it goes when an old man is preaching--you just listen and hope they don't ask you anything inappropriate.

The next interaction I had happened just recently in Berkeley while Liz and I were walking down the street. A tall, older beat poet looking man--who may have been reciting a beat poem--yelled at me specifically, "I'm F**king you in the mouth. Your sick. I'm F**king you in your a**hole. Your a**hole is your mouth. I'm f**king you in the mouth." To which I replied "It stinks. Stop. It really stinks," because what else do you do when someone verbally and symbolically assaults you as they walk away down the street. My response made him angry, it seemed, so he kept yelling that he was f**king me, but then said "shut the f**k up you jewish b*tch, I'm still f**king you!" Why he needed to tell me this, I don't know. But it really shook me up after I realized what had happened and stopped laughing about what a jerk he was. Not only did he have to tell me he was raping me, but when I replied without assaulting him he had to then degrade me in racist way to gain more power than he already had in the situation.

Later that day when Liz and I had split up to explore the mission district and surrounding neighborhoods another older man began talking to me at the bus stop on 30th & Mission. I was going to maggie mudd's, a vegan ice cream shop, to get us both a shake and then find a park to sit in and look at the city. I was happy to be in SF and when he approached me to tell me that he thought I was beautiful. I told him about what the other man that day had said--he was apologetic and surprised that the man was white that had talked to me like that. I was surprised that he would assume the man would've been black because he was himself an older black man. We made the mutual decision not to talk about race at that moment and then he asked me if he could kiss me. I told him that he couldn't and that he really shouldn't talk to me like that. He agreed and then told me he would marry me, I told him that I appreciated the kindness but that I didn't agree with marriage. So, he wished me well and I got on the bus.

The interactions were all isolated and I'm sure motivated by different experiences in the men's lives, but they all felt the same to me--violent or not--they had to say something, they wanted somebody to listen and they safely assumed that I was a someone that would. I would wager because i am a young, small, strong woman that they have a physical/vocal advantage over and so they excercise it to put me in my place, whatever that is to them.